Apparently, the posts about the Emotional Train Wreck and Mind Control were for me.
I sooooo needed to hear them again, to really mull them over. Writing about them made me realize that I’ve been almost completely emotion-driven over the past months. I’ve been letting my feelings dictate what I do.
“I don’t feel like tidying up tonight.”
“I don’t feel like cleaning the toys again.”
“I hate this stupid laundry.”
“I’m so tired of arguing with my children.”
Well, no wonder everything has been so hard. I’ve been talking myself out of things before I even begin.
Writing about being powerless has also made me realize that the concept I used to love had become another burden. I loved how when I admitted my powerlessness to change and finally gave up, God stepped in and helped me. I guess I had assumed that I only needed to be powerless once, and then everything would be smooth sailing.
It turns out that I am powerless to even enjoy being powerless any more. I didn’t even want to go back there. I was feeling ashamed that I was so powerless, so unable to keep on walking in the truths I’ve learned over the years. I couldn’t embrace the concept because I hated that I needed it.
Oh, the silliness of it all.
Realizing how I’ve been letting my emotions drive me, how I haven’t been monitoring my thoughts and kicking out the bad ones, how I’ve been striving to improve myself on my own without actually working to improve — well, it all added up to me surrendering to God. Again. I don’t know how I’ll keep doing it every day; I wish that one act of surrender would blanket my whole life, but it won’t. I suppose I need to accept that, too.
A couple days ago, the sun came out. The worst of the winter days are behind me, and I can see the hope of spring ahead.